Gorillas in the Mist...

This morning I was Sigourny Weaver making my way through the urban jungle that has artfully been sprayed with a fine mist. Upside: I didn't fall asleep on my bike? Downside: There were no gorillas, I was wearing a wool sweater dress, and I had actually taken the time to dry my hair this morning.

Why would a girl do such a thing to herself? I was attempting to avoid being driven to work by my mom... again. See, most of my time here in Charleston, I get to feel like I've got some amount of independence. My dad is rarely ever home, which unfortunately means I don't have access to a car, but also means that I get to pretend I can afford our swanky condo all by myself. I leave for work when I please, I come home from work when I please, and after work I get to be as lazy as I want to be. But that is definitely not the case when my mom is in town. She's always around.

Now, all would have been fine if my mom had stayed for the amount of time I had expected, but the morning she was supposed to leave, she extended her stay an extra week. I love my mother, I love seeing her and spending time with her, but I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS! I like to know how long I need to be patient, how long I need to put my dishes away immediately after use, and how long I should expect to feel like I'm back in high school. That way I can spend my energy wisely. This change in plans, however, has left me no more patience to work with. I don't like it! I don't like it one bit!

So, when I saw that it wasn't pouring rain this morning, I had to make a tough decision. Get in my mother's rental car after waiting for her to get ready and then have to call her to pick me up later in the day (or walk, if it wasn't raining), OR ride my bike through the mist and deal with my screwed up appearance once I got to work?

So there I was, pedaling in the 50 degree weather, wearing a dress that kept flipping up and exposing my thighs to the water that was already hitting the rest of my body, and the first thing that came to mind was "Gorillas in the Mist." Best part, I can't remember anything about the movie itself, so I started making things up. The market was the headquarters for a secret drug cartel, the shops at Charleston place was an area of high Gorilla concentration (all angry and ready to steal my money from me in return for a Gucci purse), and Starbucks was our water tower... the sign that I had almost made it back to camp. I made it unscathed, just a little damp, and so as I put my bike away in the courtyard... there was a sense of pride in the 7 minute adventure I had just had. Katie: 1,  Drug Cartel/Gorillas: 0.

Love,
Katie

P.S. There will be another video clip in which I will apparently have a speaking line. I'll post it when it becomes available!

Acting... FAIL

Piggly Wiggly 

This link will take you to the viral video that I helped make with my company. I ran a few lines, sipped a few beers, and what resulted contains an incredibly blurred image of me in the very back at the end of the clip. I am apparently a horrible actor... right up there with Keanu Reeves in "Much Ado About Nothing." I've been cut, edited, squeezed out, blurred, and relegated to the metaphorical sidelines... and it would hurt more if I hadn't seen my personal takes. Having made it into the clip would have been MUCH more embarrassing...

My teeth have slippers...

I totally forgot to brush my teeth this morning. I was running late, it was raining, and I was trying to get my mom out of bed so I could get a ride to work... and so it just happened.

Now, a while ago I was told that it doesn't matter when you brush your teeth, just that you do it twice a day. So, HOORAY!!!! My teeth will live to see another day!!! Unfortunately, however, it does matter when you brush your teeth with respect to air quality... if you know what I mean...

So today I've been remaining at least 3 feet away from people at all times. In the one scenario in which someone came into my 3 foot bubble, I turned my head towards my computer to, "look at what they were talking about." It felt kind of like the time I had a huge zit in the middle of my forehead in middle school. The whole day I tried to make sure that the only thing people saw of me was my profile. (Try that out... it's practically impossible.) And... when I inevitably failed... I tried to tell people that a mosquito bit me while I was asleep. Best response of the day was: "Oh man, that sucks, 'cause it looks just like a zit!" Curses!!! How could my ingenious plan have failed??!!

The other thing that I did today to avoid offending people was to eat massive amounts of candy. I highly doubt that my chocolate goodies did much besides make the uncleanliness of my teeth worse... but what a fantastic excuse!!

Love,
Katie

P.S. I was reading through our idea box at work, and my mentor here wrote: "Make all of the interns dress up as pigs for staff meetings." I put it in his face and said: "Not funny... but it does mean I'd actually be allowed to attend staff meetings!!!" With that thought in mind, I drew a pig on the little slip of paper, and put it back in the idea box.

Tearing up at work...

Yesterday was Joni's first day back at the office. Joni was the first person I got to know here, and my second weekend in South Carolina we drove a total of 6 hours together for discount shoes. In other words... Joni and I are tight. We've got somewhere between one and two decades between us, but it would appear that fashion and frugality know no age.

So, last week was rough without my dear Joni. Her father passed away Tuesday from a long battle with cancer, and although I couldn't imagine her grief, I knew that there was really nothing I could say that would combine sympathy, hope, and support the way I wanted to. So, I tried to do what I wanted people to do the week of Ariel's passing. I cheerily told her that I was happy she was back, made a few jokes, and left her to turn to the people she wanted to turn to for help.

I did decide to make one gesture. See, Joni is a big M&M's fan... and we all know about the healing powers of chocolate (however ephemeral), so I bought Joni the largest bag of M&M's I could find during lunch. When I got back, I decorated the bag with a simple post-it note saying: "To make your first day back a little bit more sweet. Love, Katie."

Much to my surprise, Joni took the M&M's and put them in the office candy jar. Most of yesterday afternoon I was afraid that I had made a misstep. I mean, what could chocolate actually accomplish? On top of that, I was actually extremely upset that she had so quickly disregarded my efforts, especially since I knew she wasn't appreciating all of the uncomfortable moments that arose with other people in the office. Most of all, however, I was disappointed that she hadn't gotten the message; that I had made things too simple and lost the meaning behind it. But about 5 minutes ago I looked over at Joni's desk and saw my post-it note sitting in front of her.

She heard the message.

Love,
Katie

Making a little change

Hellooo!!!

This weekend it was pointed out to me that my P.S. section tends to be more interesting than the rest of my blog. I actually tend to add the P.S. because that's really what I want to talk about, but it has nothing to do with fitness/dieting/what have you. So, nerdy fitness will commence today with a different meaning. I will be exercising my mental muscle from now on... bringing you thoughts that only my weird psyche can come up with, and experiences that are everyday, but not when you look at them through my particular lens.

So, let's kick this off!! Today I would like to talk about inappropriate romantic/sexual advances. We've all had the occasional crazy come up and ask us for marriage/contact information/sex/etc., and yesterday I had it happen to me twice. Now, although I admit that my outfit was cute... (particularly my new black boots: Jessica Simpson Virnica 2... want to hate J-Simp's shoes, but just can't) my makeup was scarce, and my hair was definitely rocking a fair amount of end-of-the-day droopy greasiness. And yet, this did not seem to deter my gentleman callers.

Numero uno was the man at the concession stand at the Bridge. Let me preface this by saying that NO ONE should be attempting to pick up a girl at the Bridge: Cinema de Lux. Although it does have a well-kept appearance, it still manages to be ghetto. Add that ghetto-ness to the fact that my man was working the concession stand, and you've already got 2 strikes against you in my book. So... if you'd like to make an advance in this particular milieu, you need to really have your game up to snuff. Here's what I got presented: "Hello Miss, what can I get for you today? You're so pretty." It actually came out as if, "You're so pretty," was part of the introductory line they had be taught in concessions training. The equivalent to someone at McDonad's ending your order with: "Would you like fries with that nice set of honkers?" Now, what was I supposed to do in this situation?? I was caught off-guard, uncomfortable, but also still really wanted my bag of popcorn. So, I did what any girl that wants something (and would also like to see if she can get it for free) does... I batted my eyelashes, smiled, and said, "Thank you! I'd like a medium popcorn, please." Unfortunately, the last thing this man said to me was: "That'll be $5.50 ma'am." Boo.

Second man caught me buying candy at the airport. I was making my rounds through the candy store, taking a LITTLE BIT of this and a LITTLE BIT of that... I was totally controlling myself, but felt like I could use a good dose of sugary variety. As I made my way to the jelly bellies... Rico Suave decided he should point out my current situation: "Sweet tooth?" he said.
"Excuse me, what?"
"You seem to be going for about everything in the store."
"Oh, well... I like to have something to eat on the plane."
"Oh, you're flying? Where to?" (Okay... seriously? We're in an airport terminal!)
"Charleston."
"I'm from Georgia. My names George. What's your name?"
"George from Georgia, nice. I'm Katie."
"Well Katie, may I have your number?"
"I'm sorry George, but you live in Georgia, why in the world would you want my number? I'm not really in the mood for a commuter relationship."
"Who said you'd be commuting? A beautiful woman is worth a drive."

This went on for a while, so finally I gave him my number just to get him off my back. I was afraid he was going to call my phone to make sure it was my number... so I gave him my real number. I really regret this now, because I'd prefer he realize he got my fake number and be considered a bitch than really have to deal with him calling me... harumph. In the meantime while I anxiously await his call... let's talk about what was wrong with this situation.

First: The man started the conversation by pointing out that I was about to eat a ridiculous amount of candy. (You can bet your booty I put some of the candy back after this exchange. Since apparently I've been right all along, and people do give a rat's ass about what I do with my life, since they are put on the earth with the specific purpose of judging me... and so I need to act accordingly.) Who in the world thinks that the best way to hit on a woman is to first make her feel fat???!!! Although it might have seemed harmless to him, he just so happened to put his best foot forward onto a landmine. I mean... why hide it under the guise of a cute expression like "sweet tooth?" Why not just point out that my pants have slipped down just enough to allow excess amounts of me to spill out over the top? That'll get me in the mood. (My other thought is perhaps he was testing the water to see if I really loved candy and had the predisposition to plump up like a prize heifer. Maybe he likes 'em chubby.)

Second: Where was the witty banter that normally prefaces the demanding of digits? The only thing I knew about the guy before he made a proposition was that his name and his state happened to match, and is that really impressive? I mean, you could have Ken from Kentucky, Louis from Lousiana, the list goes on... Why should I want to talk to you again George? As the actors say: what's my motivation?

Third: The man lives in GEORGIA! Last time I checked, even established relationships don't make it when taken long distance (on average... don't go off on me about your relationship, because I don't mean you). Also, what the heck about the 5 seconds you've talked to me makes you willing to make the drive?? At this point, I could be some psycho killer who lures her prey by innocently lingering around candy stores. You never know... you never know... (Mwahahahaha!)

Last: Boys... If a girl's first response to you asking for their number is: "I don't know..." or some other evasive tactic, and you're not drunk enough to feign ignorance of that fact... don't ask again. She doesn't want your number, she's trying to be nice, and you're making her more uncomfortable with each additional advance. You might eventually get her number... but you will have ruined any chance you had of actually getting anywhere with it through your horrendous display of desperation. My advice to you is to either give up, or try and be an interesting enough person to where she'd want your number. Asking multiple times for a girl's number who obviously doesn't want to give it to you is creepy and counterproductive... plain and simple.

These two men brought up some memories for me, so I'm going to make a list of some of the worst things I've heard in men's attempts to seduce me.

- "You're American? Isn't your education system set up to where only the ridiculously wealthy can get an education? So... that means you're super rich?"

- "I'd be the kind of president that would allow gay marriage, because I can't judge gay people. Only God can judge them, and he'll make them burn in hell, but I'm not God." (Let me please state that I had mentioned to him my specialization in gender and sexuality, and that I am from San Francisco.)

- "You American's are utter idiots. One second you're democrats, the next second you're republicans. How can your whole population switch from one to the other every four years?" (Insulting and ignorant... seeing as the shift happens via swing voters.)

- "Nice Rack."

- "How old are you? You're 19? I'm 25."

- "Give me your finger. Want to have sex?"

- "Girl, your butt jiggles for days!"

- "What do you like most about a man sexually?"

- "Oh now, see, that's just hypocritical. You get pissed because I use this one little word, and yet you're all: 'Sure! Cut the budget for the war! I don't care if more soldiers die!'"

- "I work for the Air Force. No, I don't fly planes. I'm an electrician. No, not on the planes. I basically run the circuit breaker and switch light bulbs. Do I want to go back to school? No, I don't think so. I think about it, but then, like... I don't want to do homework."

There are many more that I can't think of at the moment... but what I'm really interested in now is hearing about the stupidity that you all have been witness to. Or perhaps, my gentlemen readers, what you have said during moments of said stupidity.

Love,
Katie

P.S. My dear friend Bradley is a wonderful cuddler. I thought this should be known by the masses.

Moral of the Story...

Do you ever feel like the only thing getting in the way of you being fabulous is... you? Despite the fact that I wasn't supposed to be letting my mind wander... my hour stretching and bending, squatting and twisting, made me think about it. I'm the one who decides some challenges are too scary and quits, the one who grabs the last few doughnuts and hides the box in the bottom of the trash bin at work, the one who gives me permission to watch countless fictional people living on my computer screen (not even TV) instead of getting up and living my own non-fictional life. It's me.

So where the hell do I get off?? Who said that the only one who can be an utter asshole to me is me?? (Well, technically... that would be me.) I mean, think about it... would you let someone else maliciously stuff food into your face, knowing very well that their actions will fatten you up like a prize pig?? Would you let a coworker tell you that there's no way someone like you can possibly handle the challenge at hand? For those of you that are mildly combative like myself, the answer is HELL (fucking) NO! Man with the cake in his hand would get a swift introduction to the backside of my hand, and you know that bitch trying to tell me I can't do shit is going to end up getting her ass handed to her when I rock my presentation not only in content but in 5 inch heels.

So why in the world will I allow such rude behavior towards myself? Part of it's because I can, part of it's because I don't realize I'm doing it, but I think a lot of it is because it's so much easier.  It takes a lot of effort to be a good friend to yourself. For instance, imagine your friend told you to take any junk food out of her hand every time she grabbed it. One particular day, she's craving m&m's like it's nobody's business, and about every five minutes she's got a handful that you have to grab and put back in the bowl. Wouldn't you give in and tell her to just eat the freaking m&m's after about the 10th time?? Well... that's essentially you on a diet. And it transfers to almost any situation. Being nice to yourself is practically a full-time job, and it's becoming obvious that (at least by my standards) I'm one lazy piece of poop.

Here's where I'm going with this: I need to put on the proverbial big girl undies and grow the hell up. (Quit soiling myself... if you will.) Nobody is going to force me to be a good samaritan to the citizen of one in the land of Katie, it's all on me. Not to mention that other people have an excuse for being an ass to me... they have their own load of crap to deal with... but the only crap I have to deal with is my own crap. It would be illogical to say I can be mean to myself because I have my own stuff to deal with... I mean... I can't even figure out how to phrase the statement, let alone the argument.

So today's mantra is: Only you can soil yourself... but why would you want to?

Love,
Katie

P.S. Today a guy in yoga totally had old man smell. What the heck happens to your body that makes you ooze such a distinctive scent marker???!!!

No fun... but some fun too!

OH MY GOD IT WAS DARK OUTSIDE WHEN I WALKED OUT OF THE OFFICE!!!! That was a horrible feeling... and I never want it to happen again.

Here are funny things about my day:

- I was filmed for a commercial in which a cooked turkey hits on women at a bar.

- I was invited on a road trip with the president of our company. I was then told that he'd talk to me for a bit, and then probably fall asleep.

- I had the most beautiful pair of boots arrive at my house today, but the height of a heel and lack of zipper make it impossible for me to put my foot in... although I was seriously tempted to try until either they or my foot broke.

- For the majority of the day, I was wearing an eyeball ring that I got from atop a cupcake.

- Wearing spanx all day is a horrible idea. At first it's fine... but then you eat, and you sit, and things start getting super claustrophobic.

- I sat and watched part of my dad's workout today for the specific purpose of being close to his personal trainer. Try and find Ian Blake online... or perhaps I'll try and do that for y'all... cause he is BEAUTIFUL!!!!

- My mother is eating yogurt next to me while I'm blogging... it's not necessarily funny... but it will explain why my post is ending now.

Love,
Katie

P.S. Never blog when there's the possibility that your mom might come and sit down next to you.

P.P.S. Yes, I know that had nothing to do with fitness... Deal.