11 May 2010

Added this back on the blog after the disappearance of its principal players...

I'm so awkward at this...


So, I've been lucky enough to be asked out on a few dates in the last few weeks, and I realized something. I'm so AWKWARD. I get through the talking just fine, and I'm a very pleasant person to be around in general, but I just have no idea what to do when it comes to the part where I'm supposed to be affectionate.

Now, since you all know me, I'm sure you're like: "What? Katie, I've seen you basically make out with your friend Tara after not seeing her for a long time. You're cray-cray affectionate! I mean, sometimes you just stand and awkwardly hold people for minutes at a time. So, what the HECK are you talking about?" I KNOW! I'm as surprised as you! My favorite things in life are hugs, making out, and cupcakes... so this seems incredibly out of character.

The fact of the matter is that I don't know how to be romantically affectionate with more than one person at a time... well, okay, that's kind of a lie. I guess I mean I don't know how to do it outside of silly make-out-fests (Mom?! Are you reading my blog??!!). Let's take yesterday for example. Yesterday I had my third date with an awesome guy named Drew. He invited me over to his place for a barbecue with his roommates (complete with home-brewed IPA!) I'm sitting there, enjoying my delicious burger, when I get a text from another awesome guy named Bobby asking if I'd like to take a stroll along the river. I immediately tense up. How in the world can I be at a barbecue with one person, knowing full well that I'll probably be kissed at the end of the night, while thinking about taking a stroll Tuesday with someone else?!

According to a couple of my friends (who are a couple... so cute!), I should be able to do this with ease. "Katie, you can date more than one person," was the simple response. Even Patti Stanger says to date multiple people. In fact, according to her book that I read (which gets fairly boring after chapter 2) three is the magic number. One of them is the one you're serious about, the second is the guy that's awesome enough to make sure that you don't get obsessive about the first, and the third is your best guy friend that you'll probably marry at some point. When I read this, though, all I could think was: "Poor #2 and best guy friend! They get strung along just to make sure that you don't screw things up with #1!"

And that's very much how I feel at this moment, except I have no idea which guy is which number. Who's being strung along? Who am I supposed to try not to obsess over? And really... if I don't know which is which, should I be getting affectionate at all with either/any of them? And with all of those thoughts running through my head, how could I not be awkward? Last night all I could think when Drew came in for a goodnight kiss was, "Oh, this is probably a horrible idea. What if I change my mind a week from now, and we can't revert to friends, because we never were friends? Oh God! He's going for it!" What resulted was a kiss on half of our lips... SO AWKWARD. I then basically ran down the steps into the subway, yelling: "I'll see you soon!" UGH.

What am I supposed to do? Do I just go around kissing boys because I feel like it, and figure that it'll get sorted out eventually? Do I avoid contact and hope that one will realize that I'm being cautious instead of cold? Do I decide not to date until someone comes around that I just can't live without? WHAT DO I DO???!!!

Also, since when did I become this person? What happened to the Don Juanita that was high school me? I was a freaking baller! I basically made out with the whole Serra crew team's varsity 8 without the slightest bit of embarrassment, and definitely no second thoughts (otherwise, I might have been a little bit more selective...hehe).

It's as if I got over the age of 18 and immediately took on the mindset that dating was serious, or at least the consequences of dating willy-nilly were. I can't stand the idea of  letting someone think I'm interested if I'm not sure about it myself (even though I apparently have no qualms flirting with people I have no interest in... woo hypocrisy!) Knowing that my impulsiveness and fickle admiration could effect someone else's emotional state weighs incredibly heavily on my mind. I mean, isn't it kind of careless to be so selfish in dating?

And so, I'm stuck, and I need your help. Am I being crazy? Am I being responsible? How in the world can I STOP being SO AWKWARD??!! Please tell me.


P.S. Drew will most certainly get an awesome kiss soon, if for no other reason than to mend my hurt pride. Katie does NOT kiss badly. My honor is at stake!

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