17 November 2009

Psychosomatic , addict, insane!

Like the Prodigy shout out?? When I decided to write this point, their song 'breathe' immediately popped into my head. Luckily it only refers to adjective #1 in the title.

So, there's a little factoid about me that has been becoming more well known as time goes on, and I thought I'd just broadcast it. I have a physical reaction to violence. I'm fine with violence on a screen, I've watched surgeries, so it isn't the blood, and I tend to be a hitter... but that's where it ends. As it turns out, the second physical violence is live... even in the form of boxing or ultimate fighting on TV (although it's not as severe)... I get lightheaded and nauseous. This can result in throwing up, but usually I can get myself away from the situation fast enough to where I just need to sit for a few minutes to regain my strength.

There have been a few witnesses. My friends who traveled with me to Rome saw me nearly pass out over a love triangle spat before the first punch had even made contact. My friend Katie A. was in the car with me when a man got punched on the streets of San Francisco, and I had to quickly find a place to park. I nearly vomited on my computer one day when my brother showed me a clip of an especially gruesome UFC match on youtube. Most recently, Scott and a kickball dude almost got in a fight at a local bar, and I had to excuse myself from the round of flip cup (don't worry, I finished my turn) and run outside in case the argument came to blows. It happens without fail, and I have no idea why.

Anyone else wonder how this might have come about? I was trying to think if maybe I would have an evolutionary advantage in some sort of catastrophic event, and I then realized there's no direct positive outcome of my weak stomach. If I fully passed out, maybe it would be like possums or the fainting goats, which pretend like they're dead when something scares them. For the most part, however, I just feel like I need to put my head between my legs and take deep breaths, so that doesn't do anything for me. Vomiting doesn't exactly scare away predators, especially since the normal vomiting process (if I may be so bold as to generalize) includes retching a few times first. That gives ample time for someone to take me down before I would actually puke and potentially freak them out.

So, here's what I've decided. My psychosomatic response to violence is actually an advantageous cultural adaptation. (Huh? Stick with me...) My "condition" has a very positive social impact, which benefits me indirectly. First, my friends know not to get in a fight around me, lest they want me to puke. This means violence never happens in my immediate group of friends, and that I can at least expect one degree of separation between me and the brawlers. Second, if my friends and I happen to be near a fight, the scene that I cause almost immediately pulls us away from where the action really lies. This is a much better scenario than just making our way past the punches... hooray safety! Third, hypothetically, if I were near you while you were fighting, and I couldn't get away, so I puked right in front of you... wouldn't you stop fighting out of disgust/intrigue/distraction? I believe you would... and in that case I would have simultaneously saved the day and my ass. So, really, this "condition" is brilliant... right? Right.

There is one thing I must beg of you all, before I finish this post. Now that you know, I ask that you please be sensitive with this information. Don't punch someone in the face just to see me puke. It's not nice to your friend or me, and I will try and aim... so you'll be just as upset in the end.


1 comment:

Kel Marie said...

i just have to say i think that this post captures the essence of you perfectly. you had me laughing out loud.