I realized two things this morning. One, I had completely forgotten about the fact that I am in a handful of facebook groups. Two, I had forgotten about one particular facebook group that really sums me up as a person... at least part of me. The facebook group?
I LIKE CUPCAKES AND MAKING OUT.
I do like cupcakes and making out!!!! Given the right frosting in one case, and proper technique in the other, cupcakes and making out qualify as two of my favorite things on earth.
I don't believe my feelings warrant explanation... so I won't ramble on about it. I will, however, make a list horrible making-out techniques that have successfully ruined the moment. Shame on you (unnamed) boys for screwing up one of my favorite past-times!!
- The Dog Lick: Tongue motion resembles slowly licking the bottom of a bowl. It kinda makes you feel like they're trying to clean out your mouth.
- The Tilt-a-Whirl: Hold mouth open while having the tongue circle clockwise, and then counter-clockwise. This feels like a horrible wrestling match in which neither tongue is going to win, rather both are going to get dizzy while your jaw locks from lack of motion.
- The Bat Cave: This technique has all the makings of a good sesh... except something's missing: TONGUE!! Reach as far as you may into the abyss, you will never make contact. Don't be fooled by what appears to be a tongue when they speak, it is merely a mirage, it will disappear immediately upon return to kissing.
- The Sea Anemone: Have you ever felt as if your special friend has decided to wrap your mouth up in theirs? I like the secure feeling of being wrapped in a blanket... but that is most certainly where it ends... especially since blankets don't leave a ring of saliva around my mouth. Good tongue or not... I can promise you have ruined the moment.
- The Slow-Mo or the Cotton-Eye'd-Joe: The first one is obvious, the second is its vodka-redbull fueled cousin. Too slow and I'm thinking about what TV shows I have lined up on my computer for after this, too fast and I feel like I'm playing tonsil dodge-ball. Why don't people understand the importance of variety and a thorough understanding of one's speed-to-skill ratio?
There are more, as I'm sure you've all experienced, but I came to the realization that having a full list might frighten my male readers. Boys: don't worry! In my experience, about 1/3 of the guys I make out with have it down to a science... hence why it's one of my favorite extracurricular activities. If you're afraid you might be party pooper when it comes to snogging... just ask. You'll be glad you did! (Along with all future special friends.)