"... according to this cover, now I have to get a sexy VAGINA? Are you SERIOUS? SERIOUSLY, COSMO, ARE YOU SERIOUS? Worrying that your vagina is not sufficiently sexy is like being concerned that your ear drums are flabby: IT IS RIDICULOUS. Don't we have enough to worry about -- unemployment, teen pregnancy, insufficiently voluminous hair, and the possible resurgence of clogs -- without being told we need to be sitting around wondering if our vagina looks frumpy? STOP THE MOTHERF'ING MADNESS. EVERYONE'S VAGINA IS FINE. WORRY ABOUT THE CLOGS."
First of all... Jessica is brilliant, no? I read this and thought immediately of my least favorite saying... only to realize that my feelings had changed. Let me guide you through my thought process.
Expression: Bumping Uglies
Ladies - don't take my critical stance on the aesthetics of the vagina as an unhealthy relationship with myself and my sexuality. I personally think whoever is attempting to describe their vagina as a mythical being is truly the offender when it comes to the feminist movement, due to their inability to accept their vaginas as they are. Embrace the vagina for what it is... be proud of the magic of what it does... but don't you go telling me that it's a flower. That's just talking nonsense. Join me in seeing the beauty in ugly, ladies!!
Gents - Know that I am merely having fun. I think you all are aware of the fact that your "long johns" are fine just as they are.
Now, let's get back to the point of this post:
Forty-five minutes ago, if you would have asked me what I felt about the saying, "bumping uglies," I would have turned up my nose and responded, "What a demeaning way to describe sex. It brings up horrible images of awkward people bashing against each other."
But, the "fug the cover" made me start thinking... is there a way to make a vagina sexy? A vagina, by definition, is a mucus lined cavity with fleshy "curtains" for decoration. There is not a single interior designer in the world that wouldn't look at it and throw up their hands in defeat, shaking their heads as they say, "Oh honey, no..." Unless, of course, the decorator happens to be a hobbit.
I mean, the only gift that has been given to women with regards to their vagina is that we can't ever look at it directly. (Teeheehee... I just realized that the vagina is like a Basilisk... Hooray Harry Potter!) In order to see it, we have to contort our bodies and use a mirror... I don't know about other women, but anytime I look at an outfit in the mirror, I always tell myself that something is wrong with the mirror, and that I actually look better than what it's showing me. (Unless I look fabulous, then I celebrate the fact that I've finally found a mirror that doesn't lie.) With that reasoning... when one is faced with what is their va-jay-jay, the mirror can be blamed for the sight that is reflected back at you. Do a little: "My god! This mirror must have come from the circus or something!! It's amazing what warped reflective material can do!!!"
Anyway, the thoughts kept coming... like the idea that god is really a pissed off toddler who thinks that girls have cooties, and so when he was told (by his mother?) that boys and girls have to touch each other, he decided to make the parts that touch "gross." Next thing you know, god is throwing a mini-tantrum as he scribbles what will forever be known to us as the penis and the vagina with a crayon in his coloring book.
And don't think my criticism only concerns vajushes... I don't care how much men love their dinkies... penises aren't exactly pretty. I mean, aesthetically speaking, penises are closer to slugs then guns... despite what KISS tries to tell you. (At least, this is what I have surmised from the photos printed in my biology textbook... ahem...)
Let's move on to the next section of my thought process. We've got the "uglies" part down... what about the "bumping?"
If we're all being honest... National Geographic taught us all at a young age that sex doesn't exactly look like a dance number choreographed by Mia Michaels. No matter what creative license you have taken with regards to position... there's a necessary repetitive motion that looks exactly like... you guessed it... bumping.
So, what is wrong about "bumping uglies?" It's accurate... it's succinct... it's catchy. Sure, I still don't love that it seems to disregard the emotional bond that we all strive to find through being intimate with someone else, but I think we can all agree that the porn industry and drunken college boys everywhere might have ruined that before "bumping uglies" could even get it's foot in the door.
In other words, I am no longer offended. Are you? As long as we all understand that the beauty of sex comes from the fact that it's a shared experience with another human being, why can't we laugh about it? I've always found that everything in life is better with a sense of humor, but perhaps I've crossed an unspoken line.