07 December 2009

Rules, rules, rules...

Last night a friend mentioned to me that I have a lot of rules. I told him that wasn't true at all... but then I realized, I do have a lot of rules. So... for those of you who want to be educated on my Rules & Regulations... here we go:

1. No texting while driving. This results in the damaging of precious goods (me).

2. No treating me like shit.
    a. Do not mistake me getting over things quickly as me being a push-over. You don't want 3 strikes.

3. Any sort of tickling, noogie, or touch deemed inappropriate will result in one or multiple slaps. This most likely will land on your chest or shoulder, but I have bad aim... so your face is always a possibility.

4. Deep discussions after a few drinks are greatly discouraged. That is, unless you want me to tell you exactly what I think of you, and you are willing to accept the consequences of that knowledge.

5. Butt holes only have ONE FUNCTION. Act accordingly.

6. Black and brown accessories may NEVER coexist in the same outfit. For example, if your shoes are brown... your belt and purse may NEVER be black. I will openly display my disgust at your faux pas. I don't care whether or not The Sartorialist currently thinks it's chic.

7. Any emotionally charged discussion must happen on the phone or in person. I believe everyone understands the dangers of texting/iming/email... we as a species have physical and audio cues for a reason.

8. Cuddling ends the minute one of us starts twitching in our sleep. (Sorry to Max for that time on the couch when I felt like I was falling... although seeing you freak out like that was hilarious.) It is in your best interest that I sleep well.

9. Overly romantic moments make me uncomfortable, so... feel free to make a grand gesture, just make sure you follow it up with a fart joke.

10. Clean up your own messes. I may clean up after you once or twice... but I am absolutely going to feel resentful.

11. Ask if you need help. If I have not been asked, I will assume that you are handling things just fine on your own.
    a. Don't hesitate to ask for help.

12. Bringing up stories and then refusing to tell them in full is unacceptable. You brought it up... you inspired my deep-seated need to know and be a part of everything that is going on... Tell. The. Story.

13. If I do not filter myself appropriately, and say something that makes you uncomfortable, a formal complaint must be submitted if you would like me to change my behavior. (In the form of... "Hey Katie, please don't every say ______ again, okay?) I promise I will comply, and you will have just made the world better for the both of us.

14. NO WHISKEY. You may drink it... but none of that foulness will ever touch my lips again.

15. No physical violence, unless you want me to puke. (See "Psychosomatic, Addict, Insane" post for details.)

16. No gambling. Just like whiskey... you can do it, but I will never participate. Gambling makes me incredibly stressed out. (Heck, even Monopoly stresses me out.)

17. Under no circumstances may you call me a spoiled brat. Ask my friend Jason what happens when you do that... I think he's still emotionally scarred.

18. I will respect the fact that you're religious (if you are)... that means you must respect that I am not.

19. (Inspired by what happened to my dear friends.) Any sort of vomiting, peeing, or whatever other kind of release of copious amounts of bodily fluids in my bed will result in your buying me a new mattress. I will not be cool and just let you clean it... you will buy me a new mattress. I will not chose a cheap one to make things easier for you.

20. Anything harder than pot or alcohol is bad news bears. 

21. Under no circumstances may you blame me for your own drama. You may ask me kindly to help alleviate the situation, if I happen to be involved somehow, but blame will either get you nowhere, or lead to me deciding to make the situation worse. (I can't be the better person all the time...)

I think that's just about all you need to know... although, if I have ever told you a rule that didn't show up on this list... please add it in the comments box. Future men, women, and children will thank you for it.


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