Last night after losing horribly in the kickball playoffs, my teammates and I decided to go sing away our blues at karaoke. It was there that we came to know "Cameltoe Johnson." At first he seemed harmless, albeit extremely tone deaf and slow on the uptake. What we quickly learned, though, was that a force had been unleashed. Cameltoe Johnson sang about 6 songs last night. All of them off-beat, all of them tone deaf, and all of them increasingly slurred. He also decided that I wanted company in the middle of singing "Love is a Battlefield." Now, I don't know about you... but I consider that song to be sacred... and due to the fact that love is an F*ING BATTLEFIELD, I really wasn't looking for a duet. Luckily, my girl Jenny pretended she wanted to dance with him and pulled him off stage. So, CTJ made me realize that there are most certainly several ways to ruin your chances with ladies through dismissal of karaoke etiquette. So, here's some advice for him:
- If you're tone-deaf... go with Johnny Cash or Bob Dylan.
- Telling people you're so embarrassed about singing and need their support only works your first time on stage. The second through sixth times, people will start resenting the fact that you're trying to take advantage of their generosity of enthusiasm.
- If you're going to sing a boy band song circa the 1990's... don't choose the songs that no one really listened to on the CD. All that proves is that you were once a 12-year-old girl.
- The speed of the song you sing should be indirectly proportional to your level of drunkenness. If there's a girl singing along in the crowd (me), and you're lagging behind her (me) by a good 5 seconds... you should watch her as she keeps the beat on her chair, so that you can keep up.
- When the song is over, you are done... it's best practice to leave the stage, instead of standing there for an extra 30 seconds telling people why they should be clapping harder for you.
- Don't let your more attractive, less drunk, and infinitely more talented friend get up on stage and sing Garth Brooks' "Rodeo." He will steal all the ladies from you, especially if you are up on stage right after him with a lackluster rendition of Britney Spears' "Hit me baby one more time." I'm just saying...
- DO NOT, I said DO NOT get up on stage with a girl you don't know and try and squeeze your bumbling self into her kick-ass version of "Love is a Battlefield." Especially if you're going to ignore the karaoke emcee yelling at you, and then ask the girl if she wants to get off stage so you can finish. She will hate you, write a blog post about you, and you will never get laid ever again.